


when we were on top of the world

by VeryDapperBlook



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M, Suicide, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-08-10 20:40:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7860304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VeryDapperBlook/pseuds/VeryDapperBlook
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>We were together after all, truly together after such a long time of missed chances and broken promises, we thought we could do anything. Take what was rightfully ours and rise with it from the ashes of our past into the blazing, bright future we alone would decide.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>We never had a chance.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	when we were on top of the world

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Doctor/Master: Things you said when we were on top of the world.  
> This story isn't technically Ten/Simm!Master, but since they're the ones I imagined while writing this, I tagged it as that. It's really not specified which ones they are though, it's very open to your imagination.

Wherever I look, I can still see you.  
Standing there, in your stupid suit, just like always, looking at me like nothing had happened, like everything was still the way it was, like you were still alive.  
I could almost believe you, were it not for the emptiness where your eyes should be.

 

I have always loved your eyes.  
I can see them now before me, if I concentrate enough. Dark, endless holes, yet filled with the energy and light of a million stars. They say that eyes are the window of the soul, but your eyes were always so much more for me. A constant factor in a world of chaos, a map, a compass. A mirror. I look into your eyes, and I see myself.

I have always hated your eyes.

And now you look at me, with those empty not-eyes, like you sometimes looked at me when you thought I didn’t see you, and your look says, I know what you’ve done. I’ve always known what you’ll do. And it isn’t even an accusation, just a simple fact.  
And for some reason I still can’t stop talking to you.

And of course it might just be my imagination now that creates those pictures in my mind, that makes me think that you knew, but, you must have known, you must have known from the beginning, all that time ago, because that’s just who you are, who you’ve always been. You must have.  
Yet you never, not once in too many life times, ended it. Ended us.

It would have been easy for you, really, to just disappear, along with everything and everyone else, but you never did. You were always there, and you always looked at me with a look in your eyes that many had mistaken for hatred, when it really was just your own way of showing you cared.  
And you could have stopped me any time, could have killed me, easily. You’re stronger than me and we both know that.  
Sometimes I think you should have. Should have stopped, should have stopped me, should have let me go. In the end, it would have been better for you. Better for me. Better for everyone.  
Words can’t describe how much I hate you for being so persistent. Hah. Pathetic, isn’t it, those words coming from me.  
Because in truth, I was the one who wouldn’t let go. I pretended I did, pretended I wanted nothing more than for you to disappear.  
I’ve always been a good liar.

And then, finally, it happened. You were gone. For good.  
And I pretended I was happy, told myself I was relieved. You were my enemy and happiness was expected from me. After all, I had finally won.  
Except I hadn’t, and the thought alone is enough to make me laugh. And I am laughing, not sobbing, I know I am not crying, because this can’t be the end yet, and I can’t cry until it’s all over.

I’ve never won when it came to you, even now that you are long dead and gone and I am the only one left, I am not victorious.  
And that’s not the truth anyway, is it, that your gone, because you can’t be gone when the thought of you is still in my head, and your voice is still in my ears.  
You’ll never truly be gone as long as I am here. You’ll always be in my hearts and mind, and our lives will stop like we have lived them. Together, yet farther apart than anyone could imagine.

It was never enough, yet so much more than either of us could have asked for, would have asked for had we had a choice.  
But we never have a choice, do we? That’s just the way it is, the way it’s always been, ever since we were little kids under an orange sky, living an illusion of freedom we both knew wasn’t true and never would be.

We had a future back then.  
A bright future, full of happiness and adventure and love. But this future died almost as soon as we dared to think of it, and now it lies buried, forgotten, yet still alive in the memory of two little lost children, lying dead on a planet long gone.

 

Years ago, when you did the impossible and came back once again, when I had changed so much even you had trouble recognizing me; back then there was a hope, a hope that maybe we could find this future again, revive it, and us along with it.

We were together after all, truly together after such a long time of missed chances and broken promises, we thought we could do anything. Take what was rightfully ours and rise with it from the ashes of our past into the blazing, bright future we alone would decide.  
We were fools, foolishly hoping for a miracle, like only the most foolish fools would.  
Miracles don’t happen by themselves, and while trying to force ours, we lost more than we thought we even had left.

 

I never told you, but it only took me a week to forget I was supposed to be the hero of this story, and you alone the villain.

 

We were a good team though, weren’t we?  
I still remember the first time we came here, exactly to the place I am now. Now, I look out into the emptiness of space, and it almost is as if I was looking into the Void, weren’t it for the handful of stars shining from far, far away.  
But back then, such a long time ago, when we were standing here together and you were so much more than a distant memory, back then, the space below us was burning, scorching the last planet that had dared to be in our way.  
It was horrible, and it was beautiful and it reminded me of you in a way that both terrified, and made me happier than I have ever been. Because no matter how much we lose, you will always be there, in the chaos, the flames, the destruction, and I will always be there with you, like the reflection from a broken mirror.  
It’s beautiful, I said and I looked at you and you were looking at me and you were smiling, and in your eyes there was a look I didn’t understand back then, and still don’t now. It’s beautiful, I repeated, but what I meant was you, you’re beautiful and always have been.

And I don’t quite remember how it happened, but the next moment your lips were on mine, and the fire from below shone on our faces and for the first time in what felt like eternity, I was complete.  
And while the flames below slowly died out, we stood above, neither of us looking down, and you grinned, still with that unreadable look in your eyes, and whispered words, words I will never forget.  
I will always remember what you said when we were on top of the world.  
When we were happy.  
When I was foolish enough to believe we had finally won, both of us, together.

And I will never forget that look you had either, the way your eyes shone with something that reminds me of pride, yet also grief and heartbreak, and it doesn’t make sense, because you weren’t supposed to look that way, and especially not at that moment and it doesn’t fit with your words.  
But you have always been too smart for your own good, haven’t you, and maybe you saw even then what I was too blind and stubborn to notice.  
We never had a chance.  
We are too much alike, and the universe can’t handle the both of us at the same time.

And maybe that’s why, when I did the job for the universe and spared it the trouble of having to get rid of you, you were hardly surprised.  
Maybe that’s why you just smiled at me, like I had done you such a favour, and maybe I had, I am not sure.  
Maybe that’s why you just looked at me, a look of acceptance in your eyes, like you had known this would happen and were okay with it.  
Maybe that’s why you pulled me close, your lips on mine, one last kiss, as your very own way of saying goodbye.  
Maybe that’s why you whispered those words, with your last breath, so quiet I barely understood what you were saying. I knew you could do it, that’s what you said, like it didn’t even matter what I did because of course you had known and of course you had planned for it to go this way, because that’s just what you do.  
That’s what I think all that meant, at least.

 

I’ve always been good at lying to myself.  
Twisting the facts, looking at them from just the right angle, distorting the truth until I like what I see. Until I can live with what I’ve done, what I am.  
I guess I’ll never know what you truly meant with your last actions, and I don’t think I want to, ever.

Besides, I can’t do it anyway, live with what I’ve done that is, so. It’s not like it’ll matter for much longer.

I’m still looking outside, at the nothingness. It’s beckoning me, and I don’t know how much longer I can withstand the temptation.  
I’ve lived a long life, and died more often than I’d have liked, sometimes even at my own hand, but jumping into the vacuum of space is something I’ve never done before. It should be quick at least, that’s what I hope.  
It’s not long now, I can feel it. My curiosity and fatigue are becoming stronger, and the last part of me that’s still clinging to life is getting weaker and weaker.  
Soon I’ll be gone, and the last remnant of you with me.

 

Despite everything we did, time has finally caught up with us. We may be Lords of Time, but, and deep inside we’ve always known that haven’t we, we are not its rulers. In the end time will always win, and fighting against this will only lead to suffering and heartbreak. No one knows this more than me.

You can’t cry until it’s all over, that’s what I’ve always told myself, and now there are tears streaming down my face, more than ever before, and I guess that means it’s time.

 

I don’t want to go.

 

No, that’s not right.

 

I don’t want to go on.

 

I am tired.

 

I am ready.

 

And I think I might be laughing, because in the end this is all just so, so stupid.

As I take my final step out into the vastness of space, the last thing that echoes through my mind are the words you told me such a long time ago, at this very location. And finally, I can truly believe them, because in a way they have come true, in the only way we ever could have hoped they could come true. Didn’t they?

We were together until the end, and the last thing I see is you, the memory of you, slowly fading away, and on your face there is once more that look of yours I could never understand, but you are smiling and so am I, and everyone knows happy ever after doesn’t exist, but we got damn close, in our own way. Didn’t we?

 

And your words echo, we won we won we won we won, and I believe you.

I’ve always been good at lying to myself.


End file.
